When you’re in denial that everything is normal, you wouldn’t even care about relationship red flags and deal-breakers in a person you love.
You have a lot of reasons why you don’t want to acknowledge it and choose to stay regardless of your gut feeling.
It may sound so stupid, you love the person and you hope and believe you could change him for the better and for your future together.
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But girl, when he started to slap or shove you in one of your fights, take that as a red flag, that won’t be the only and last incident.
Deal-breakers and red flags in a relationship may be quite obvious, but women tend to let the signs slide for many reasons.
Those of you who don’t know what a red flag is, let me enlighten you.
A red flag in a relationship is a sign or a warning you see in your significant other that indicates a problem that will affect your relationship or marriage.
Deal-breakers are the things or issues that cause a relationship or marriage to fall apart regardless of how long the relationship is or no matter what good qualities a person possesses.
To help fellow women, I decided to share these common relationship red flags and deal-breakers we often ignore.
Ladies, grab your coffee or tea and let’s have some serious talk here…
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What are these major relationship red flags and deal-breakers?
1. Violence as a red flag and deal-breaker in a relationship
As I mentioned at the beginning if he started to slap you or shove you in the early stage of the relationship, do not think twice and leave.
It might be hard at first, but if he started to show signs of violence, there’s a chance that he would do it again, and again.
Hitting you might be his new habit and you might perceive receiving his blows as a norm in your relationship.
Men who hit women have serious problems, but you shouldn’t justify it, but rather address it.
But nope, you can’t help a man who can’t control his rage by staying with him longer. On second thoughts, maybe you can help him, but as his punching bag.
A man who wants to man up and show his genuine love to you should address his own problem and work on it.
Guys should better hear this once, you are not strong if you raise your hands to your women, you are not in control if you bring your women to tears and you are a coward to blame your women for hitting them.
In my home country, whenever we hear that a guy hits his woman, we often tease and say, he’s gay for doing it. It’s not that we’re mocking the LGBT community, but what we want to deliver is, that a guy hitting a woman is not yet man enough, he’s still a boy stuck in an adult body.
Heck, gays who even married women (I mean, they really do), are more responsible and man enough to be the right partner for their women.
Violence and abuse in a relationship are not normal, and will never be. We’re not barbarians, and we don’t live in an era that which hitting a woman is a sign of power.
For women who are suffering from an abusive, toxic relationship, you have only one solution and that is to leave.
You can’t help a man to surpass his adult tantrums.
You can’t help him by trying to act cautiously around him as if you’re walking on eggshells for fear of getting his aggression again.
It may be a hard pill to swallow, especially if you’ve been together for quite a while, planning to get married, and built your dreams together, but if he constantly hits you, you know what to do.
You better leave, before it’s too late.
2. Financial instability in a relationship could be a red flag and a deal-breaker
Though this may sound not so serious as violence and abuse in a relationship, left unaddressed could result in the collapse of the relationship or worse, marriage.
You don’t have to marry a billionaire or an old rich guy to fulfil that dream of financial stability in a relationship, but get a guy who knows how to manage his money, may it be plenty or few.
It could be catastrophic and could turn ugly if you often argue over money.
If you’re still early in the relationship, you might not care how he handles his money and his finances, but it doesn’t hurt to get some hints while you’re dating.
You’d better know if he has a work or can keep a stable job for a longer period of time, or if he has vices other than drinking coffee thrice a day.
You’re not being materialistic or shallow to think that way. You only deserve a man who is responsible and can make you feel safe, not only financially but also physically and emotionally.
But we need to be realistic also. If you’re earning 6 figures, and you just met a guy who is earning lesser than you, would you give up on him?
If he’s responsible with his finances, and he’s hard-working, I find no reason to dump him just because he doesn’t earn that much like you.
Besides, you’re an independent, confident woman and you don’t rely on your finances on a man.
3. Controlling and possessive behaviour is a red flag and a deal-breaker – Quite obvious!
”Where are you?”
”With whom are you now?”
”Why am I hearing voices of men?”
”You’re not alone, are you?”
How about this?
”Let’s have a video call.” Aww..sweet, he wants to see you.
It could be sweet if he just misses you and wants to see your face, but if he’s doing that because he has twisted thoughts of you being with another man although you’re at work or at your friend’s, it’s a RED FLAG!
When your guy wants to check on you every hour and is angry when you don’t respond to his call or text immediately is obviously a warning sign that your relationship will turn toxic.
Bad news for you — it is already toxic.
Even to the point that you’re already afraid or anxious about holding your phone or scrolling to your phone when you’re around him because he always thinks the worse — you are writing with other guys.
Take note, not just with a guy, but many guys!
When you’re outside and you accidentally look at some random guy, and you can’t even put a finger later on why he’s spitting mad at you and calling you a loose woman. Yeah, I just named it a bit decent word for a w****.
Now, here’s the interesting part. Some random guy checks you out (not your fault), and your man is fuming mad again.
Surprise, surprise, you belong to him and no other guy should lay his eyes on you.
In a healthy relationship and normal healthy scenario, a guy would be proud and pleased when other guys check out their women. They have chosen their women wisely, and these guys would only ogle at their women, but never get them.
Having a possessive boyfriend is problematic and stressful, and he’s not worth your headache.
Assuring him every single day how much you love him will maybe do wonders, but the problem is not on you, it’s on them.
4. Jealousy is exaggerated –Oops, another red flag in a relationship
Along with the controlling behaviour, he’s also over jealous. Like he gets jealous irrationally, and arguing with him about it is simply pointless.
You would consider this type of jealousy a red flag and a deal-breaker when it is far-fetched, irrational, illogical, unrealistic, incredible, and unnatural.
Yes, that’s how I describe this deal-breaker in a relationship.
When you know to yourself, you avoid matters and situations that would trigger his jealousy, but nonetheless, he exploded in bouts of jealousy like a mad Neanderthal man.
You can never talk him out of his jealousy, because he only believes in himself and what he thinks you could be doing when you’re not with him.
In short, he believes his own fabricated reality.
He believes he has intuitions or sixth sense that you’re messing around and having fun with other guys.
Heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?
I don’t want to bore you with a scientific explanation here, so let’s describe it as simple as possible.
A Dunning-Kruger Effect is when a person is ignorant of his own stupidity and believes he has a certain capability and the others who contradict him are stupid and uninformed.
Your jealous boyfriend doesn’t have a sixth sense, and is having a Dunning-Kruger effect apparently, and why don’t you ask him if he has too much THC in his brain.
It might make sense.
If you know you’re not doing anything wrong to deserve such a cruel accusation of cheating, then the problem is on him.
Oftentimes, that jealousy is the reflection of their own doing or feeling of guilt. Your man is trying to turn the tables or worse, testing you.
He might be the one being unfaithful in the relationship and not you.
5. He’s into hard stuff – Another red flag and deal-breaker which could be lethal for and in the relationship
Is drug use a deal-breaker in a relationship?
You don’t use drugs but it’s part of your significant other’s way of fun or lifestyle. His frequent use disturbs you that it’s one of the many reasons you’re fighting and arguing.
He may have stopped at some point in your relationship, but if he goes back to seeing people who could influence him back to constant drug use, your relationship may turn rocky.
You can talk to him about it, and your feelings, and how it may affect your relationship if he won’t stop, but bear that in mind, you can’t force or expect a person to change for you.
It doesn’t also mean you have to live with it in the meantime until you view drug use as natural in your relationship or in your future.
Until he would influence you to use it too – we better hope you won’t go down that road.
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Although you love the person, you can’t just put up with the fact that he’s addicted to drugs and other vices. It may be marijuana, alcohol, or smoking, but if it disturbs you, you can only call it quits.
Drug use in a relationship is one of the reasons for violence and abuse. A person consuming hard stuff can’t think rationally anymore. Even small petty fights with him will turn ugly if he can’t control his temper.
Drug addiction and other forms of addiction are lethal in the relationship, and it doesn’t only kill your relationship, but your chance for a better future, and worse, it could kill you if you tie yourself with an addict who doesn’t want to seek help.
6. Clingy partner is one of the red flags and deal-breakers you shouldn’t be happy with
In the early stage of the relationship, you can’t seem to get enough of one another. You don’t want to be away even a day with your loved one, but if it turns to a point of being unhealthy, you should consider a solution to stop it.
Jealousy, low self-esteem, and lack of trust may lead to a clingy attitude toward your partner. If your boyfriend can’t seem to let you go even if you have to go to work, it might stem from his worries that you might be having fun without him or worse, cheating.
Some signs of a clingy partner are:
-They always want to tag along wherever you go, or you should always be there wherever he wants to go
-They always send you messages and call you and become anxious if you don’t respond right away
-You always have the need to reassure your love for him every single day
When you find these signs annoying, you need to set ground rules with your partner. Seeing a therapist or a relationship counsellor together could help you.
If you could work on this together and let your partner know how it makes you feel, then your relationship could be a lot healthier in the future.
If it worsens, and you don’t see any changes, or if your SO doesn’t want to recognize it as a problem, then you should better break up with him.
A clingy partner should work on himself first, love himself more and boost his self-confidence.
7. A bitter, angry, envious, vengeful partner is hard to please
When he has a lot of emotional baggage from his past relationships or from his family, or he’s simply angry with the world, it’s hard to live with him.
Any negative emotions around you can affect you in some ways especially if you’re dealing with an emotional roller-coaster ride with your SO.
It will drain you in a long run.
It might tire you.
Until you don’t look forward anymore to being with him because whenever you’re with him, he always complains about life, people, the world, and God.
You can’t have peace of mind if he’s always that way.
He’s too consumed by what happened in the past, and he couldn’t move on from guilt, pain, or regrets that he can only show through anger.
An angry bitter person doesn’t acknowledge his faults, and always blames other people for what he is now or what he feels. Bitter individuals always feel sorry for themselves and often feel as if they’re the victim.
This type of individual should learn how to forgive, forget the past, and move on. If not, he can’t have peace of mind and a fulfilling romantic relationship.
8. Disconcerting social media behaviour is a red flag
Using social media while you’re in a relationship is not a problem unless your SO shows unsettling signs of how he spends his time online.
It is quite insulting if he writes with other women online when he’s in a relationship with you and he’s flirting with these women, whom he doesn’t even know in the first place.
When you check his IG, you see a couple of user accounts that are almost naked. Yes, they are fake, I hope he knows that too before he ogles at the photos and writes with these fake accounts.
What could be worse than ogling at other girls’ photos?
Writing and commenting on a sexy photo that is not yours (if you have any), in a manner as if he’s still hunting for a girlfriend.
And what’s worst?
Commenting on a photo of his ex, or he still stalks his exes on social media.
He’s not happy and contented in your relationship.
It’s a hard pill to swallow but if he’s not yet moved on from his ex, you shouldn’t force yourself that he will be happy with you.
Do yourself a favour, and bring him back to his ex. You don’t need a boyfriend who’s still hopelessly in love with his ex.
Aside from mentioned above, one of the red flags you could find in a guy is how he posts on social media.
Does he post a lot of selfies? If he does, he might be a candidate for being a narc.
What might be fun for him or for his friends if he posted a silly video on Facebook about a woman, who embarrassed herself, may not be funny for you and your friends.
If you find what he posts on social media is really disconcerting then you better have a talk with him about it.
If he doesn’t change his ways, well, it’s up to you how you handle the future embarrassment and disrespect whenever he writes on other women’s sexy Facebook photos or when he follows sexually active women’s profiles on Instagram.
Fake or not, the thought counts, he loves looking at other women’s intimate or indecent images.
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Looking at other women’s photos is normal, I do that too although I’m a woman, if you feel like your SO’s somewhat obsessed with other women’s photos, then you better move on.
You wouldn’t want to have a future with him when you don’t know or you know exactly what he does online with other women; it might sound normal for some, but if he follows other women on Instagram, comments on sexy photos, you will have the feeling that he won’t be faithful in the future.
Perhaps, he’s getting addicted to social media and the attention he’s getting online.
If he’s getting too engrossed in perfecting his image and status online, this could be a sign of low self-esteem and narcissism. Since people use it as a way to get attention from others, this is usually a sign that they are very insecure about themselves.
If you sincerely want to be with someone who doesn’t spend hours a day on Snapchat or Instagram then this could be one major red flag for you.
9. Incompatibility and Differences
They say, you always find your opposite. If you can’t cook, your partner might be good at cooking.
If you’re a swimmer, and your boyfriend’s afraid of water.
Things like this are normal. In a healthy relationship, you complement each other, what your SO lacks, you fill it up.
So they say in a cheesy manner, you have finally found the missing puzzle.
But what if it’s more complicated than not knowing how to cook and how to swim?
What if you love to look at the stars at night in the countryside, but he wants to revel in the city lights every night?
What if you don’t like his friends, and he can’t force you to hang out with them?
They might be little matters, but if disturbs both of you, it’s better to call it quits.
Here are some incompatibilities that may lead to break-up:
–Sexual incompatibility – You can’t match his stamina, or you can’t do what he wants you to do
–Time or schedule differences – You’re working at night, and he’s working during the day
–Religious differences – You’re a devoted Christian, and he’s atheist
–Personality differences – You’re an introvert, and he’s an extrovert; he loves to be with people and you love to stay at home, cuddle and watch movies with him
–Different outlooks on life – You believe in positivity and the law of attraction, and he believes pessimists live longer.
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Some red flags and deal-breakers may be obvious for some women, but some women are also in denial to recognize the warning signs.
But like we often say, communication is key; there are things and issues we could settle if we have a heart-to-heart talk with our significant other.
Yet, we have also exemptions from the rule and one of these is when he tends to be aggressive and has constant addiction problems, then it requires more than talking.
Women are different; red flags and deal-breakers can be subjective too and these signs mentioned here are common but often ignored by some of us.
Maybe for some, being tardy on a date is already a red flag or if the partner has obsessive-compulsive disorder. It might really depend on the individual.
So what do you think?
How’s your experience so far in dating and being in a relationship with someone you have these issues?
How did you deal with him and with the situation?
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